i feel stuck.
hard-pressed on both sides.
like a piece of sardine tightly squashed in between 2 soggy pieces of bread.

both are my beloved.
i cannot choose and refuse to choose between these 2.
why should i choose in the first place?
can't people just learn to live and let live?!
i know its easier said then done.
but i'm frustrated at having to play middle-person all the time.
2 solid hard boulders,
refusing to barge.
just standing there stubborn like anything!

the 3 letter word, ego.
so easy to spell,
so evident in many,
but so hard to break.
running away seems so much easier..
but how long can we run away from this?
history has proven tt time does not always improve situations.
what if it gets worse?!

enough of all this gloom.
i have been thinking abt smt my mum told me.
she commented recently that i do not seem to be as happy as before.
when den came over to my place the other time, my mum made the same comment abt her.
many things have changed since the last time my mum saw the whole 'gang' together at my old place.
and i wonder,
are we really less happy now?
personally, i agree tt i smile less and don't feel as enthusiastic abt working and tackling the big world out there.
but i think overall,
i'm still pretty happy and contented.
i must remember to ask the others what they think abt this..

Wove Rainbows At Thursday, April 30, 2009

i love the way you wriggle your ears at me..
becox it reminds me of the little boy in you.
i enjoy the way you grasp my little hands tight when crossing the road.
becox it tells me tt i am protected.
i want to rub my hands w glee and smack you hard on the mouth at the same time when you start to bellow excitedly abt your big plans for the future.
becox it assures me tt you are serious.
the way you peer at me w your big eyes and fluttering eyelashes..
makes me want to hug you tight and nv let go.
the sweet messages you send me aftr a tiff..
reminds me of the reason why we even quarrel.
and tt is, becox we care abt this relationship.
everytime i see you standing at the lift, waving and waiting for me to enter my unit,
i feel secure and sure of wat i'm getting myself into.
i have resented, and complained, and even hated you at times.
but, i've always known tt deep inside, the love has nv died.
sometimes, its dim and dull..
there are times when its fiery and passionate.
but at the end of it all,
it has always been there.
and i thank God for you..
through the good and the bad times,
i want to focus on the good in you and only the good.

Wove Rainbows At Monday, April 27, 2009

in the safe haven..
where its peaceful all around.
no distracting noises,
no hurting cries.
its just you and me.
fairies dance around.
pollen frm a million flowers,
buttleflies holding hands,
the buzzing bees,
all form a symphony.
the symphony of nature.
it speaks of peace, and hope and joy.
a place where there are no worries.
no disappointments.
no lack.
no heartaches.
just you and me.
in our safe haven.

Wove Rainbows At Sunday, April 26, 2009

i have additions to my fish tank!
5 new fishes..
a golden suckerfish to keep my tank clean and algae-free..
a pair of orange fish w a black patch in the middle.
and a pair of "angel-fish".
hoooray!!!

my mood has been swinging from good to extremely bad to foul these past few days.
and this fiery humid weather isn't making things better..

note to self: get the exams over and done with & fly out of Singapore. some country w lots of snow would be nice. bah!

Wove Rainbows At Friday, April 24, 2009

i've always wanted people to love me for being me.
accepted & unconditionally loved just as i am.
never despised or looked down on.

this deep desire for acceptance is one of the most crucial needs in my life.
i am very concerned about what people think of me.
how i'm viewed by the world.
i carry this heavy burden deep within me to please people.

since young (from pri 5 to polytechnic at least),
i haf been rejected time and again.
people resented me for my looks.
the curly, bird-nest like hair.
the round body tt never seems to be able to shed its fat.
everyone in the class had a buddy, everyone but me.
no one wanted to do group work with me.
no one wanted to be my friend.
i hated recess because tt was the time friends got together to eat and chat.
but i had no one to accompany me to buy tt bowl of noodles when i was hungry.
loneliness was my best friend when i was in sec 1 & 2.
subsequently, things took a turn for the better when i employed another tactic to curb my insecurity.
i went to the extreme end and started talking non-stop.
from the background wallpaper girl, i transformed into the chatterbox of the class.
talking non-stop, to anyone and everyone, i was often sent out of the classroom for being a disturbance.
but at least i felt happier as i had made friends through my endless chatter.
this carried on until i was in polytechnic.
i would talk non-stop to fill the deep need to be accepted.

then, i came to know this person.
i didn't have to talk alot when i was with Him.
we would meet from time to time in that quiet place.
there, He would talk to me in that gentle voice of His.
like a heavy blanket His love would cover me and fill every empty hole on the inside.
slowly, bit my bit, a little by little, my insecurity dissolved as i spent more time with Him.
the deep need for acceptance was finally filled.

i felt on top of the world.
nothing was too difficult for me.
i started to spend less time w Him.
we drifted apart.
being so far away from Him,
the insecurity returned.
i had made new friends along the way.
though these friends were good,
they were unable to meet my needs like how He had.
i resented hearing people talk about their fantastic relationship w Him.
i wanted Him back, badly.
but i was afriad.
afraid to return to tt quiet place and find Him gone.
i still feel Him nearby when i go to our old hangouts.
but i'm afraid to start a conversation.
i think i have an idea of what He wants to talk about.
i don't really want to hear it.
i want to postpone this conversation until i feel strong enough to hear the truth.
but i figure tt i will only be strong enough when i am w Him.
how is tt going to happen when i'm avoiding Him because of dread of what He may tell me?

Wove Rainbows At Tuesday, April 21, 2009

caught 17 again yesterday.
expected it to be funnily entertaining but full of crap.
i was wrong!
it was definately funny and entertaining but more than that, the show touched hearts judging from the number of tissues tt were whipped out and hurriedly crumpled up at the end of the show.
and yes, i was one of 'those' people.
the absurd story of a man blaming the failures of his life on his wife, regretting the decision he made when he was 17, wishing to re-live his life once more only to make the same decision he regretted when he was given the chance to be '17' again.
strangely, it reminded me a little of my own life.
how many times haf i wished and hoped and prayed to return to the past and undo all the wrong decisions i've made.
only now when i look back, i tink i wld make the same decision again if i was given a chance like mark in the show to relive life again.
though i've never believed in second chances, i am truely convinced tt somewhere, sometime down the road, the seemingly 'wrong' decisions or 'not so ideal' choices will still ultimately bring us to our supposed destination.
it could be a longer road for some of us.
but ultimately, we will all reach there.
and at the finishing line,
every one of us will have a set of different experiences through the decisions tt we've made.
some of us would have gone through more heartaches, more disappointment, experienced more failures and emerged full of scars.
but in the end,
the same destination awaits all who believe and did not give up.

nonetheless,
i do hope i will make good decisions so tt i can avoid unnecessary pain.
so i tink i'm going to study now.
no retaking of any subjects for me!

Wove Rainbows At Monday, April 20, 2009

oh yes..
i forgot to add in my previous post tt i've permed my hair.
haha!
its now nice and long and curly.
i like!
i'll post up pics of the process when i've figured how to do so..

on a random note..
i miss my sot days after reading what den has written.
and please, stop telling me all those horror stories on marriages..

Wove Rainbows At Friday, April 03, 2009

UPDATES!!!!!!!!

Today - 3.4.09
i am bursting with excitement!!!!!
went for my second interview with the principal of seimpi music sch earlier in the morning..
yes, i know tt you've probably not heard of this sch because it is relatively new.
it only has 5 yrs of history here in Singapore.
so anyway, i came to knw abt this opening frm my ex-cg member, Charlotte who happens to teach there.
i've always wanted to be a piano teacher but this desire dissipated when i became distracted w learning the guitar.
Thank God He recalculated the route and planted me back on track.
the interview with the principal and the marketing executive went great!
they will discuss the contract terms, draft out the offer letter and invite me dwn next week to sign it.
my job scope would include teaching group lessons at the school as well as conducting music lessons at childcare centres.
i'll need to come up w my own teaching plan and create personal teaching aids to supplement the lessons.
its amazing how God works.
the opportunity came knocking at my door - i did nothing.

Yesterday - 2.4.09
went down to the small claims tribunal at subordinate courts yesterday for a consultation w the mediator.
filed a claim against Jil beauty for the breakouts and subsequent scarring i experienced after going for their facial treatment.
my first experience ever at a court, fighting my own case.
the senior manager of the store together with the boss of the company were both present.
they took turns to argue their case in front of the mediator and myself.
i was furious because they were trying to shirk responsibility and continually tried to make things difficult for me.
i lashed out and argued my stand.
the war lasted for an hr before the boss gave in and issued me a cheque to refund the remainder.
it was such a traumatic experience.
but thank God the mediator was just and the verdict passed was in my favor.
i have vowed never to frequent these beauty salons ever again!
the products tt they use are often not dermatologically tested.
you don't want to spend money to ruin your originally smooth face.
tts what i did..
so, pls think twice, think three times, think 100 times before you sign any facial treatment packages.
money is hard to earn, and hard to get back.

Wove Rainbows At Friday, April 03, 2009